there are days

there are days when i am overcome with joy. on these days i feel elated by how lucky i am in life. i am thankful for the people in my life that love me, for the people i love, for being able to live a comfortable life and have a job that i can tolerate and even enjoy sometimes. don't get me wrong, because i am truly humbled by all that i have to celebrate.
but there are days when my heart is so heavy i don't know how i carry it around. lately i've been keeping myself busy to try to avoid it, but it seems to have caught up with me tonight. tonight, i am overwhelmed by life and the feeling that there is no solution to the problems i face. i have intentionally avoided this blog lately because while usually i just ramble or complain about something small, i knew that once i sat down at this computer my heart would pour out. i don't understand how to fix things. i sometimes feel so terribly sad and yet i have nothing i can do about it.
the last time i went to visit my family was late last month. every time i go home (can i call it that anymore? when i don't have a friend to see there? when i've left all of them for a better life i haven't found yet?) i cry for at least 24 hours when i get back.
i dote on this, i know... but my grandmother is a different person each time i see her. none of them are the woman i knew. none are the woman i remember. and the old memory is fading fast.. i don't even know how to cling onto it. this time she was wide-eyed and wondering... very child-like and innocent. all the family dogs went to visit her, and she fumbled her hands over them clumsily, saying only the word "pleeeease" over and over again, drawn out like a desperate child wanting to hold a puppy. i put one on her lap and she squeezed him so hard, like babies do, not realizing she was hurting him. i don't know if i can do the moment justice, but i can't stop myself from reliving it, even each time i hear the word please, perhaps a hundred times a day.
she's a broken woman and doesn't even know it. in a week or so she turns 90. i won't be able to go see her, as i can rarely see my family anymore because of where i live.
there are so many things in my head (this is just one of them). usually, i push them aside, but tonight they overwhelm me. i am writing this because i just realized i don't have a friend in the world that i can just call up and talk to and cry with about these things. when my husband is not home (like he isn't now, and i hate to burden him with tears too often... he feels so helpless when he can't fix what's wrong) i am more alone than i can possibly explain.